Four Ridiculous Things that Have Terrified Me (But Actually Make Sense)

I always had an overactive imagination as a child. Having an imagination is great, but it can also cause some significant night terrors. It was difficult to tell what was going to set me off because, during the day, I was usually fine. It wasn’t until I was in bed where it was dark that my troll brain would kick in, and introduce horrifying images that would keep me awake for the rest of the night. My options for dealing with this were somewhat limited. I couldn’t sleep with the light on, because that always alerted my mother (a light sleeper) who would always yell at me to turn off the light, and go to sleep. My next option was to either hide out in the bathroom with a book for a few hours (the only place I could have a light on and not be bothered) or wake up my older brother and demand he that he take me to sit in the kitchen until I was no longer afraid.
Thankfully, I am now a grown adult with a job and my own place. Which means I can now sleep with the lights on when I get scared, and no one can tell me that I can’t. Some things have not changed since childhood.
1. PINOCCHIO

I know what you’re thinking. It’s a Disney movie, how could anyone be afraid of a Disney movie which is specifically intended for children? Disney managed to get away with a TON of messed up shit in its earlier years, and this movie is one of them. But that is an entirely different conversation.

I watched this movie for the first time when I was around four, and it haunted my childhood nightmares for a long time to come. One part of the film that I hated was Pinocchio’s nose growing. I couldn’t say WHY it bothered me so much; I guess my overactive four-year-old imagination somehow managed to twist that image into something grotesque. Then there was the Pleasure Island scene where all the kids turned into donkeys. I hated that part, too. For me, the evil, man-eating whale was the least terrifying part of the movie. It was no secret that I was scared shitless of this movie. This fear led to constant mockery from my parents and my older brother for years. The videotape box was sometimes deliberately left in full view because I would probably cry at the very sight of it (again four years old).

It was not until I was twenty years old that I watched the movie again. I used to frequent a movie rental place (yes, I am that old) when I was in college, and one afternoon, Pinocchio happened to be playing on the store’s TV screens. I paused to watch the movie and see what I was so scared of all those years ago. I came in during the Pleasure Island scene that I hated so much. At that moment, I realized how absolutely right I was as a child. This scene is so horrifying to watch, even as an adult. First of all, these kids were not evil, ill-behaved at worst, honestly. And their punishment for acting like kids is to be turned into donkeys and sent to the salt mines where they will be enslaved and eventually die. The last time we see these boys, they’re being hoarded into crates while screaming and crying for their mothers, at least the ones that can still talk (because when you think Disney, you think child slavery and death by salt mines).

They don’t change back; no one comes to save them, we don’t know what happens to them. Presumably, they’re all going to die, but it’s okay because we know that the titular character will get his happy ending. ]

I may have overreacted to this movie at four, but I think I was justified in my horror. Given how Disney programming is treated with kid gloves these days, it’s amazing how this was deemed acceptable for children. I knew I wasn’t crazy, despite what my family kept telling me. Family members can be the worst.

2. TEDDY RUXPIN

Yes, this furry bastard was a prime children’s toy in the mid-1980s. It was meant to instill reading skills in young children. You put a cassette tape into Teddy Ruxpin’s back and follow along with the accompanying book. Upon inserting the cassette tape, Teddy Ruxpin “comes to life,” eyes blinking, lips moving, and starts talking. It was undoubtedly the creepiest thing. When I was three, I evidently sensed its sinister nature and punched Teddy Ruxpin’s eyeball out of its socket. I now live in fear that one day an ancient Teddy Ruxpin will rise from a far-off landfill seeking retribution.
The online show, The Nostalgia Critic, has confirmed my extremely legitimate fear. Here’s the episode if you want to watch it:

I made the mistake of watching this before bed one night. It wasn’t as if I didn’t have enough worries about a sentient Teddy Ruxpin coming after me, but now I have the bonus of a Teddy Ruxpin that is also possessed by the devil.

Have fun seeing this in your nightmares tonight.

 

3. SHAUN OF THE DEAD

Yes, I know this is a comedy. It’s a parody of every zombie movie ever made and obviously meant for laughs. And I would completely agree. I did find the movie funny! Hilarious, in fact. British comedies are a lot of fun, and Simon Pegg has written and performed in some pretty good films. My problem? The zombies. Mystifying as it is given popular culture’s fascination with zombies, but it’s true, I’m afraid of zombies. All of them.

As a very little kid, my overactive imagination caused me to fear most fictional monsters; vampires, werewolves, and the like. However, by the time I hit my teens, I had pretty well gotten over being afraid of most fictional monsters and enjoyed watching certain horror-based movies and TV shows. But I never lost my fear of zombies. I suppose it’s the image of savage, sentient, mangled corpses shambling around that would give me the willies because I have never been able to stand to look at them.

When at a friend’s house in college, my friend, Lindsey, proposed watching Shaun of the Dead for our movie night. I expressed some reluctance given my experiences with anything zombie-related. She urged me to try it saying, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s a funny movie! I promise you’ll be laughing.” I agreed, figuring maybe this would either get rid of my zombie fear or at the very least I would be able to laugh at it without being scared.

Lindsey was correct; the movie was hilarious, and I was definitely laughing. At least until I went to bed that night. Every time I went to sleep, there were the hideous, rotting corpses ready to devour anything and everything with a pulse. I spent the rest of the night hiding out in the bathroom (I shared a room at the time; still no sleeping with the lights on). I’m a little sorry that I have this zombie fear because unfortunately, it causes me to miss out on the acclaimed series, The Walking Dead. I’ve heard the show is excellent, but I know that if Shaun of the Dead could give me nightmares, I’d probably never sleep again after watching The Walking Dead.

4. TUSK

This fear is relatively recent. It is the Kevin Smith horror-comedy that came out in 2014. In fact, I have to say I’m a little embarrassed by this one. While I can certainly laugh at my reaction to this, I can’t post any other pictures other than the poster or be overly descriptive about the plot. All I can say is that walruses now make me cry unironically.

Tusk, as my movie buff friend, Lindsey, puts it, is “Kevin Smith’s Human Centipede.” That should give most people a pretty good idea of the plot. If that summary means nothing to you, go look it up on Wikipedia. Don’t Google it, because you don’t want to risk any sick images popping up if this is your first time learning about it (I’ve always assumed that the Human Centipede is a weird  pop culture thing that managed to permeate through the Internet, and now everyone knows about it whether they ever wanted to or not). Basically, they’re both Frankenstein type story, except that the mad scientist prefers to use the pre-deceased instead of the currently dead. At least the original Dr. Frankenstein had the courtesy to simply use human remains. Yes, he was grave robbing, (which was very rude), but at least he wasn’t kidnapping and maiming living people.

The reason I’m a little ashamed of this is for one simple reason: I haven’t seen the movie. I found out about this movie, again, from Lindsey who had recently seen it. She gave me a pretty detailed summary of the film. She figured it wouldn’t be my kind of movie, so she didn’t worry about spoilers.

Unfortunately, I was still curious enough to look up the movie on Wikipedia and IMDB, reasoning as long as I wasn’t actually watching it, it couldn’t possibly upset me. That turned out to be a mistake. One thing I’m good at is picturing scenes in my head as I’m reading. I really should have known better. After reading all the information about Tusk online, I was able to imagine what was happening quite well. Too well, in fact. I could picture everything so vividly, that it led to almost three days of sleeping with the lights on. At this point, I can never see the movie, and I avoid any pictures or videos about it. All that will do is confirm what I already imagine, or it will be a lot worse.

Some of these are pretty ridiculous and laughable reactions but, they’re MY ridiculous fears. And I think everyone is allowed to have a few ridiculous things that scare them.

As I have been writing this, it is now after midnight, and I’ve spent a long night reading and writing about a lot of things that scare me. I’d better make sure I have enough light bulbs in the house because it’s probably going to be a lights-on night for me.

 

 

 

 

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