For two literary geeks such as myself and my friend, Lindsey, an outing to Barnes & Noble is always a good time. Our other favorite activity is to then run through the book store’s Romance section to find books with the most ridiculous covers and synopses. Now, I am not one to knock anyone who enjoys a good romance novel; there are some fun, well-written ones out there. But there are also a good number of romance books which based on the cover and back cover summaries alone sound entirely questionable.
There are so many different categories in the Romance Novel genre, so, today I am focusing on one specific type: The Cowboy Romance. Yes, the Western/Cowboy theme is a highly popular subgenre of Romance novels. For anyone who has an affinity for a western romance, you won’t have to look very hard. Bookshelves are adorned with the images of muscular men leaning on fences, and who randomly remove their shirts (we can’t figure out why because these men never appear to have been doing anything especially strenuous), but leave their hats on. Here are some of the highlights that we discovered that range from laughable to quite perturbing. (Note: Neither of us has read the books, these assessments are based solely on the cover and summaries alone).
1.
Shirtless cowboy? Check. Fences? Checks? Dry, dusty ranch background? Check. Quintessential Cowboy Romance material right here.
Ember Alzate is a fantastic matchmaker with one big problem: she can’t find the perfect mate for herself! Alzate family legend says that when she kisses “the One” she’ll hear a mysterious humming in her head. Well, Ember’s kissed a lot of guys and she’s never heard a thing. Now, instead of searching for herself, she vows to find her best friend, Ranger Lockhart, a bride. It’s clear this smart, sexy man just needs to meet the right gal.
Ranger’s returned home to Cupid with marriage on his mind, but he’s not interested in the parade of women Ember pushes under his nose. His thoughts keep returning to his best friend—with her combustible combination of curves and sass. No one compares to Ember, but what’s it going to take to convince her she’s the woman for him?
Just like that, we have a very prevalent romance novel trope; the matchmaking whiz who simply cannot find a match of her own. According to the synopsis, the heroine’s family has a myth that they’ll hear a humming in their head when they kiss their soulmate. Some would assume this would be indicative of a family history of benign brain tumors, but sure, ancient legend, works, too.
The names of the main characters alone are hilarious, especially the cowboy. Ranger Lockhart. If you can say that name without cracking up, you are a stronger person than I am. Ember and Ranger are names you would expect to see in a fanfiction story. Or in a parody piece that spoofs this particular genre. But no, this is written in complete and utmost sincerity. Ranger Lockhart is not a name that inspires the image of a robust, macho, heroic cowboy. This is the name of a Care Bears character.
2
Classic Romantic Cowboy pose right here, folks.
After finally dumping her no-good fiancé, decorator Rachel Fortier hightails it out of D.C. straight for Cajun country. But her grandma’s Louisiana bayou cabin on stilts isn’t quite the grand estate she imagined. Throw in a pet alligator named Useless and Remy LeDeux, the smoldering-eyed pilot angling for her family’s property, and Rachel’s in for a passel of trouble-especially since their chemistry is hotter than the Atchafalaya Swamp in July.
With his Tante Lulu itching to marry him off and Rachel’s rifle-toting grandma ready to shoot Remy the second he sets foot on her land, the sexiest bad boy this side of the Mason-Dixon Line will need a special kind of voodoo to convince Rachel she was born for the bayou.
This is another common romantic trope. Big city girl high tails it to a small town or rural location for temporary refuge. But once they meet that special someone who has a penchant for going bare-chested and lounging on fences, the girl realizes she could never return to that hellhole of a city and remains with the shirtless wonder in the middle of nowhere. In this case, the setting is in a swamp, so I guess there’s some novelty here.
Based on this summary, the hero of this story sounds like a jerk. He’s honing in on the land belonging to the heroine’s family? What a jackass! Why would you even want to date someone who is trying to steal from your family? Nobody would actually date a guy who makes no secret about his intentions to take your family’s property. This is not a formula for a lasting relationship.
3.
Can’t get more western romance than this. Open shirted cowboy with a western backdrop AND a lasso AND a horse and rider silouetted in the background.
Dylan Granger could always count on his rebellious-cowboy charm to get his way—until the day his wife, Jordan, left him and joined the military. The realization that during a wild night he got her cousin pregnant is shocking enough. But the news that Jordan has come home to Texas to help raise the baby is the last thing he expects.
Raising a baby with Dylan in Wrangler’s Creek is a life Jordan might’ve had years ago, but she doesn’t want regrets. She wants what’s best for the child—and to find out if there’s something deeper between her and her ex than blazing-hot chemistry. Getting closer means letting down her guard to Dylan again, but will he be able to accept the emotional scars on her heart?
This guy sounds terrible. His “rebellious-cowboy charm” is clearly a euphemism for “smarmy asshole.” No wonder his wife left him. Then, in a display of that cowboy roguishness, he gets his ex-wife’s cousin pregnant. And as an additional insult to his ex, she then comes home to raise her ex-husband’s child. Since this is a romance novel, they are obviously going to get back together at the end. But if you were friends with Jordan in real life, you would remind her that she had some very valid reasons for leaving her husband in the first place. Run, girl. Run for the hills and never look back.
4.
This one at first glance seems reasonably innocuous. Our cowboy hero on the front cover is even shockingly overdressed for a romance novel cover. I probably would have glanced this one over had I not read the back cover.
Billionaire oilman Blair Coleman has always taken care of his business. After having been used and cast aside by a woman he thought he loved, his personal life is far from his first priority. He knows only one has ever truly cared for him—but the irresistible blonde beauty is the daughter of his best friend.
Niki Ashton has seen her father’s friend wounded and she’s seen him fight. Blair is the strongest—and most stubborn—man she’s ever known. That very heart and passion makes him the man of her dreams, but whenever they’ve been in danger of getting close, Blair has always pushed her away.
It takes a possible tragedy to strip away all of Blair’s misgivings. Now it’s all or nothing: marriage, baby, family, forever. But will the choice be too much for Niki…or too late?
My jaw dropped reading that summary. The premise of this story is a cowboy hero who is perving on his best friend’s daughter? I’m going to assume the said daughter is written as being of the legal age of consent, but that doesn’t make it any better. The cowboy on the cover appears to be young and athletic, and since this is a romance, I’ll guestimate he’s probably written as being in his mid-40s at most. And unless this friend became a father at the age of 13, this would mean his daughter would only just be of legal age. What father would approve of his best friend pursuing his barely legal daughter? For any sane parent, this is grounds to remove this person from your life immediately. In fact, I believe there was a Dear Prudence letter that covers this almost exact scenario:
https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/05/when-an-older-man-or-family-friend-hits-on-your-daughter-and-more-advice-from-dear-prudie.html
Nothing about this story sounds romantic. It’s creepy at best and predatory at worst. This is why I refused to support the Monica-Richard relationship on Friends.
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