I just spent the last few days binge watching The Brady Bunch. Not the original series, mind you, but the spin-off series, The Bradys. I don’t know who asked for it but in the late 80s and early 90s, the Bradys reappeared on television so we could see what the Brady kids, now adults, are doing with their lives. First, was the television movie, The Brady Girls Get Married, where Jan has gotten engaged to her longterm, stable boyfriend, Philip, and Marcia gets engaged to a schmuck named Wally that she literally spent one week dating before deciding they were meant to be. Next, came A Very Brady Christmas where the grown-up Brady children and their families are reunited for the holidays. And then came the short-lived series, The Bradys. This is the series I will primarily be covering and boy, did it ever get dark and twisted. I watched the series on YouTube, and it took a while for me to get through them and to organize my thoughts. Here are my impressions on the highlights from The Bradys.
1. MARCIA AND HER FAMILY ARE HOMELESS
In the first episode of the Bradys, Marcia, her husband, Wally and their two children, Jessica and Mickey, show up at Mike and Carol’s house asking if they can stay with them because they’ve lost their house. Marcia’s fuck up husband Wally has been fired from multiple jobs, made poor financial decisions, and refuses to let Marcia go out and work, giving her no say over the finances of their family. Now, they have to move in with Marcia’s parents. Mike and Carol are incredibly gracious about the situation, granted they’ve had a household of nine people in the past, so a house of six probably isn’t a huge deal to them. However, they did not account that Marcia and Wally’s demonic spawn, Mickey, would overtake their home and make their lives hell. This kid is the worst. He’s loud, annoying, demanding, and just an overall pain in the ass. His sister, Jessica, appears to be a perfectly competent child, but apparently, Wally’s genes overtook Marcia’s when it came to Mickey. Marcia, this is why you don’t marry someone after you date them for a week. One week is not enough time to assess what genetics a person is going to pass down to future offspring. Considering the circumstances, one out of two is actually pretty good.
2. BOBBY IS PARALYZED AND PUSHED INTO AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE
That’s right; little Bobby becomes a paraplegic. At the beginning of the show, Bobby is a professional race car driver with a bright future ahead of him. However, his racing career is cut short by a terrible accident that renders Bobby paralyzed and dependent on the use of a wheelchair. With his racing career over, Bobby is forced to return home to live with his parents. Bobby’s ex-girlfriend, Tracy shows up after hearing about the accident to lend her support and hopes to renew their relationship. Yes, because suffering a life-threatening, career-destroying crash is the perfect time to start dating again! However, the rest of the Bradys are entirely on-board with Bobby and Tracy getting back together and convince/coerce Bobby to give this relationship a chance. Bobby ends up proposing to Tracy, and they get married within a week.
My theory is that Mike and Carol know that they’ve taken Marcia and her fuck-up husband on for life, and couldn’t manage Bobby as well. It was easier to marry him off and let someone else handle the situation full-time.
3. PETER IS A PLAYER
Yeah, you read that right. Middle son Peter is the ladies man of the family. Peter seems to have some serious commitment issues and has been engaged no less than four times. And his latest engagement was to his workaholic CEO boss; Peter is her administrative assistant. The show goes out of its way to make Peter’s boss/fiancee, Valerie, look like a bitch. First, she says that she and Peter can’t go to watch Bobby’s weekend race because they have to work. Then, when Bobby has his accident, Peter is in distress, and all this chick can do is vapidly stare at him and say, “I’m really sorry, Peter,” in the same tone one would use if a friend lost their lucky penny.
Valerie then refuses to accompany her fiance to see Bobby in the hospital. Because what’s Bobby to her except her future brother-in-law? They break-up and Peter quits his job for obvious reasons. Peter moves onto another job where he also moves in on the multiple women who work there.
Yeah, Peter Brady is a workplace sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.
3. MIKE BRADY RUNS FOR OFFICE AND GETS BLACKMAILED
The Brady Patriarch decides to run for city council and recruits his family to assist him with his campaign. In the act of sheer pity, Mike also hires Marcia’s otherwise useless husband, Wally, to work on the campaign because salesmanship is about the only area where this guy has any reasonable skill. Mike Brady runs an effective campaign against the incumbent councilman until Mike runs into an issue. A wealthy donor tries to bribe Mike into voting for his personal causes with a hefty amount of money. Mike refuses the bribe but not before picking up the cash and swinging it around to emphasize his refusal. Turns out the whole thing was a set-up conducted by his opponent’s campaign manager.
Photos of Mike Brady flinging money around are sent to the Brady household with the demand that Mik needs to resign from the race, or the incriminating images will be published. All ends up well because Mike’s opponent is actually a shockingly decent guy (for a politician) who didn’t know about the set-up. In an act of stunning ethics, the opponent fires his campaign manager for blackmailing Mike, destroys the images, and the election continues in a civilized manner. Mike Brady does win the city council position, but not before the show gets dragged out for the last few minutes with talk of redistricting and new ordinances making Mike ineligible for the position. After much dithering back and forth, Mike is finally declared the winner.
4. CINDY HAS AN AFFAIR WITH HER BOSS
I don’t know what it is with these Brady kids having bizarre and line crossing relationships with their bosses. Cindy is a DJ for a radio station and is evidently the only employee at the station except for her boss. We never see anyone else working there. Cindy’s boss is roughly fifteen years older than her, widowed with two young children. When he displays interest in her and asks her to date him, this is shown as completely normal, and not at all an ethically questionable power play. When Cindy is offered a job working in television which means more exposure and more pay for her, she’s conflicted. Why? Because she doesn’t want to leave her boss! Her boss is upset because she might move on and acts coldly towards her. In the end, Cindy stays when her boss gets her a raise and more control over her radio show. They’re happy again because they’ll still get to see each other every day! Every. Single. Goddammed. Day.
Cindy taking that new job would have been the best thing for the relationship. They would be out of the compromising position they are currently in as a boss and an employee. Not only that, but it would give them some space during the day and actually have a chance to miss each other. They’re going to eventually end up hating the sight of each other the way they’re going.
5. MARCIA IS AN ALCOHOLIC
Marcia is in a miserable predicament. As depressing as the phrase “Marcia Brady is an alcoholic” is, I can’t entirely blame her for turning to drink. She has no home; she lives with her parents who still treat her like a child. Her husband is utterly useless as a provider but won’t let her get a job. Her son is the spawn of Satan and a menace to society. When she tries to get a job and get back into the fashion industry, her qualifications are deemed outdated. She doesn’t feel there’s anything left for her to do. She starts drinking during the day when no one is home since everyone else has work/school. It does get very dark though. After binge drinking during the day, the oblivious Wally asks her to drive the kids to the store (something he was supposed to do). When Marcia protests saying that she can’t drive, he tosses her the keys and resumes his work phone call. She almost drives her children while intoxicated but stops herself at the last minute. Later, Marcia has a meltdown and turns up at one of her father’s political speeches utterly wasted and incoherent. This is what it took for her family to notice that something wasn’t right. Marcia pledges to stop drinking and seek professional help. We can only assume she does because we don’t hear much about this again.
6. MARCIA’S HUSBAND IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST
I needed to devote an entire section to Marcia’s inept husband, Wally Logan. There is too much ground to cover. It’s been established that Marcia and Wally didn’t know each other very long before getting married. In the Brady Brides, they dated for one week before announcing their engagement. This engagement seemed spurred on by Marcia’s need to please her parents by getting married since her younger sister, Jan was already engaged. This would explain where so many of their problems come from. Wally is said to be a good salesman, and that’s about it. He has been fired from numerous jobs, depleted the family finances to the point where the bank forecloses on their home, leading to his family having to move in with his in-laws. His father-in-law gives him a pity job working on his city council campaign and then as part of his staff once he wins the election. However, Wally can’t even manage to keep that job. Once he’s part of Mike’s staff, he tries to obtain private funding by implying that Mike will grant the donor political favors, something that Mike explicitly told Wally not to do. Mike ends up firing his son-in-law. It’s pretty sad when you receive a mercy job from your father-in-law and manage to get yourself fired from that job. By your father-in-law who hired you in the first place. Marcia was supposed to be in the fashion industry when she first married Wally, but when we see her here, she’s been a stay-at-home mom for several years. She makes it clear that it was Wally who didn’t want her to work, despite Wally being an incompetent provider. When Marcia tries to talk about her frustrations and concerns with her husband, Wally is too concerned with his own work situation, talks over her, and doesn’t listen to a word his wife says. No wonder his wife was driven to the bottle.
The real victim here is Jessica, Wally and Marcia’s daughter. Out of the four of them, she seems to be the only competent and capable person in that family. Between her alcoholic mother, her shit father, and her satanic brother, she’s probably the only one who stands a chance. Jessica is probably going to end up fending for herself Matilda-style minus the telekinesis. Yeah, I think Jessica may end up being just fine.
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