That is correct, in 2014, the dating site Christian Mingle once ran an advertisement that lasted an entire hour and forty minutes. Okay, yes, they technically referred to it as a “movie.” But come on, the title of the movie is the exact same name as the damn website; they’re not even trying to be subtle. Let’s face it; this was obviously a bid for publicity and not a very good one. Honestly, this isn’t even a good representation of actual Christians. My friend, Lindsey, and I decided to examine this movie more carefully after watching a trailer on Netflix. And we just had to have a few things to make this go down a little easier.
Okay, so Gretchen Weiners (a.k.a Lacey Chabert) is the star in this movie. What happened? DUI? Back taxes? Unpaid speeding tickets? I must know what brought her to this fate.
Lacey is playing a woman named Gwenyth who is out on what is apparently a first date with a super sketchy looking dude. Gwenyth is trying to engage this guy in polite conversation, but this asshole keeps blatantly ogling women at the bar over her shoulder. He’s not even pretending to listen to her. Then he abandons Gwenyth at the dinner table to skeeve on other women.
Well, Lacey Chabert is certainly keeping up with at least one of the same themes as Mean Girls; she has terrible friends. Not only did her friends set her up with the jackass from the opening scene, but they tell Gwenyth that if she’s not careful, she’s “going to be the last one standing.” Who says this to their friend? Who informs their friend that if she doesn’t land a boyfriend soon, she’s going to end up desolate, miserable, and utterly alone? These are garbage people, and they are not doing her any favors.
Gwenyth goes home forlornly dreading another Holiday season with no husband in sight. Suddenly, a commercial for the dating site Christian Mingle pops up on her TV. She gazes wistfully at the happy couple on her screen. Then she sees on Facebook that one of her snotty girlfriends has gotten engaged before her and decides that now is the time to take real action. After lamenting her miserable dating life, Gwenyth says that all she wants is to meet a genuinely decent guy. Evidently, Gwenyth has exhausted all avenues and has not found a single decent guy anywhere. Ever.
Gwenyth’s exact quote is, “I didn’t just want a guy who would look at me and smile. I wanted more than that. I wanted a genuinely decent guy.” Is Gwenyth saying that in her entire adult life she has not dated one decent human being? Not even just a casual, pleasant first date? Her specifications are currently “decent.” She’s not requesting a man who is compatible with her or shares her values; she’s just looking for “decent.” I have gone out on dates with decent men. It didn’t always work out, but it was because we weren’t the right fit, not because the guy wasn’t a decent human being.
Gwenyth wonders whether the problem is actually her. If in the entirety of her adulthood this woman can’t even manage to have a pleasant cup of coffee with an agreeable human male, then yes, I would agree that maybe the problem might lie with her. Some self-reflection and a reexamination of priorities should be in order at this stage.
But no, Gwenyth decides that a Christian Mingle commercial is the key to solving her romantic problems. This dating site is her absolute last bastion of hope for a meaningful relationship with anyone. So, she charges ahead and creates a profile for herself even though she has stated that she is not Christian and hasn’t set foot in a church in years.
Now, she’s advertising herself as a devout believer who attends church every week. When the site prompts her for the name of her church, Gwenyth replies “God’s Church.”
This is just lazy. If you’re going to lie, at least try to be somewhat convincing. If you can set up an online dating profile, you’re more than capable of googling the names of a few local churches. Next, Gwenyth prepares for her upcoming Christian dates by thumbing through “Christianity for Dummies.” This isn’t a joke; she actually does this:
So, Gwenyth goes out on her first Christian date at a coffee shop with a guy named Paul. Lindsey says that this guy just seems like a serial killer, right off the bat. I agree; I don’t know what it is about this guy, but I’m detecting a distinct Stepford vibe.
To prove what a great Christian she is, Gwenyth gives a lengthy, long-winded prayer over their coffee.
It’s incredibly awkward and uncomfortable to watch. I get that she is not religious, but it doesn’t take that much figuring out to know that Christians do not pray over every single food item they receive. One of my good friends, who is Christian will pray over a meal. However, if we go out for Baskin Robbins, she does not pray over our ice cream. I don’t think it would ever occur to her. Otherwise, you’d have to stop and pray over your movie theater popcorn. Or a stick of gum. Or a water bottle. My impression is that Christians believe prayer is great, praying over meals is great, but come on, there is a time and place.
Paul is likewise perplexed by Gwenyth’s ludicrous and superfluous prayer and admits that he’s never prayed over coffee before. This bizarre display should raise a red flag (maybe at least a pink flag?) for him, but luckily for Gwenyth, she’s cute, and Paul has a penis, so he lets it go.
Gwenyth’s co-worker tells her flat out that she is a terrible person for deceiving a guy by pretending to be a Christian. I have to admit, this person is correct, and Gwenyth should be listening to her. It doesn’t matter if the other person is cute if the foundation of your relationship is built on lies and deception. This relationship is not off to a good start. Gwenyth’s otherwise terrible girlfriends also echo these legitimate concerns. But Gwenyth is an idiot, so she brushes off her everyone’s concerns and reassures them that the religious thing is not a big deal. After all, Gwenyth has at least read a children’s bible with the pretty pictures in it. Same thing, right? I can see why this woman has had so much trouble meeting decent men in the past.
Paul and Gwenyth go out on their second date, and Gwenyth sports her best cross earrings. Not joking:
So, the two of them go to a sushi restaurant where Paul acts like a five-year-old picky eater.
He openly grimaces at the food, makes faces, then uses one of his chopsticks to skewer the sushi. (Dude, if you don’t know how to use chopsticks, just ask. Or ask for a fork.) Then he shoves the sushi in his mouth and spends about 10 minutes chewing it before painfully swallowing it.
He just smiles, shrugs, and says he’s more of a chili dog kind of guy.
Gwenyth tells Paul that she always wanted to be a teacher but got stuck in the evil world of advertising where she helps her company market blatantly bogus products. It’s a miracle that Gwenyth even still has a job and that her company hasn’t been sued by now. As someone who transitioned into a career in teaching, Lindsey questions that if Gwenyth really wanted to be a teacher, why didn’t she, you know, pursue it? As in, go back to school and get a Master’s degree and Teaching Certification? But no, she’s just trapped in the fraudulent, corrupt world of ADVERTISING.
Paul then tells a story about how he found Jesus in his cheese. It was very confusing, and I lost interest, but that’s all I got out of it.
Next date for these two is at Paul’s church where Gwenyth will meet his family. Gwenyth interprets this to mean that proper church attire requires her to wear mud-colored clothes that hang on her like a sack and pull her hair in a severe, unflattering bun.
Does Gwenyth know that being Christian doesn’t mean you suddenly have to forego colors and clothes that fit well? Even Paul tells her that she’s dressed like his grandma. Hell, that’s being generous. Neither of my own grandmothers ever dressed so unattractively for Sunday mass.
After church, Paul’s family invites them out to eat with them at a restaurant called Steak & Cake, where those are literally the only two menu items. The real sin here is how overcooked those steaks look.
This just links back to the sushi scene where Paul practically vomits up a tuna roll. This movie presents Christians as being repulsed by any food that is remotely unique or unusual and only favoring the bland and poorly cooked. It’s actually pretty insulting to Christians if you think about it.
Lindsey: This movie does not make Christianity look appealing. It’s backfiring.
Paul’s family and church members are all going to Mexico on a mission trip to rebuild a town. So, Paul is leaving for Mexico the following day for a month. This is the Gwenyth is hearing about this. Well, at least now they’re both on the same page when it comes to lying and hiding critical details.
Gwenyth then decides that she is going to join her boyfriend and his family in Mexico! She packs five suitcases full of all her best sundresses, swimsuits, and beachwear. For a mission trip. Does she know what a mission trip is?
Mexico is predominantly Catholic and these white missionaries are definitely Protestant or Evangelical; how is this working?
Paul’s family finds Gwenyth’s Christianity for Dummies book in her things and tells Paul. Because she has been lying, Paul breaks up with Gwenyth and gets back together with his old girlfriend. Gwenyth goes home feeling depressed.
Long story short, Gwenyth decides to start going to church and becomes a born-again Christian which inspires her to quit her evil advertising job and move to Mexico to become a teacher. I guess nobody was concerned about her lack of teaching qualifications or credentials.
After Paul finds out about Gwenyth’s turnaround, dumps his girlfriend, and heads down to Mexico to propose to her.
Yeah, Lindsey and I agreed that this was a sucky movie. It shows Christians and non-Christians in a bad light. It makes the non-Christian characters look self-absorbed, vapid, and shallow. The Christian characters, in contrast, look like insipid, self-righteous Stepford cutouts with no interests beyond their church. Paul has about as much personality as a stalk of celery, and Gwenyth comes off as simply desperate for a husband (any man will apparently do) and willing to be deceitful to get what she wants. Her transformation at the end never really seemed genuine to me. This movie is really an insult to all Christians and non-Christians everywhere.
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