Bad Romance: Five Songs About Dysfunctional Relationships (That Should Not Be Salvaged)

Like a lot of people, I love music, and when I used to listen to the radio more frequently, I noticed that radio stations couldn’t get enough of these, heartbroken-done me wrong- knife-is-shoved-in-my-back-life-no-longer-has-meaning breakup songs. I don’t know if it’s just me, but when radios get a hold of this particular sub-genre, they play it over and over and over. Naturally, this gives me the opportunity to do what I do best. Over-analyze! These songs are a bit “older,” but they are pretty well known, and I am sure most people will recognize them. They have always bothered me on some fundamental level. When you listen to these songs enough times, you start to realize how dysfunctional these relationships were in the first place, and they are not the types of relationships that should be saved.

1. WAKE UP CALL-Maroon 5
Offending Lyrics:
Caught you in the morning with another one in my bed
Don’t you care about me anymore?
Don’t you care about me? I don’t think so.

This song is all about how Adam Levine catches his girlfriend doing the horizontal tango with some other guy (in Levine’s bed). What is very telling about these lyrics is that Levine claims he has just caught his girlfriend having sex with yet another guy in his bed. What I can gather from that statement is this girl is a repeat offender, not just regarding cheating, but repeatedly cheating in her boyfriend’s bed. We tend to think of a person’s bed as their sanctuary, which translates to: don’t fuck with (or in) another person’s sanctuary. Cheating is awful enough by itself, but cheating in your significant other’s bed is a whole new level of twisted. And it wasn’t even one time; he knew that she was continually cheating on him in his bed.

Next, you have Levine lamenting “Don’t you care about me? I don’t think so.” Really? Now you choose to ask this? Now, after numerous offenses, you finally start to believe that she just might not care about you anymore? Anyone could have told you after the first transgression, “No, I don’t think she cares about you anymore because she’s fucking other guys in your bed.”

2. WALKING ON BROKEN GLASS-Annie Lennox
Offending Lyrics:
Since you’ve abandoned me
My whole life has crashed
Won’t you pick the pieces up
’cause it feels just like I’m walking on broken glass
Walking on walking on broken glass
The sun’s still shining in the big blue sky
But it don’t mean nothing to me
Oh let the rain come down
Let the wind blow through me
I’m living in an empty room
With all the windows smashed
And I’ve got so little left to lose.

This song sounds less like a plea to an unfaithful lover and more like a plea for therapy and a Zoloft prescription. It sounds as though this person is one step away from slitting their wrists with broken glass. All right, so your significant other left you. Being upset for a while is normal, but after a mourning period, you need to start thinking about moving on. Begging and pleading for your ex-lover to come back to you is not the way to do this. It is beneath your dignity. Get out and find a hobby. Don’t moan about how everything in life means nothing to you now; that’s not emotionally healthy. Call your friends and have a movie marathon.

And Jesus, get those smashed windows fixed; you’ll catch pneumonia from the draft. Did you smash those windows? Good God. Yeah, a dose of something is most definitely in order.

(Side note: The music video to this song is pretty awesome. Besides the lovely Annie Lennox, Hugh Laurie and John Malkovich also appear in the video)

3. BEFORE HE CHEATS-Carrie Underwood
Offending Lyrics:
I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights
Slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.

All right, Carrie Underwood is not really trying to salvage this relationship so much as she is enacting revenge against her boyfriend. However, there’s so much dysfunction in this song that it’s too good to pass up. It’s become the anthem of jilted women who have dreamed of retribution for their cheating exes. But let’s look closer at this.

Carrie Underwood brags how she destroyed her cheating boyfriend’s treasured automobile. She slashes the tires, smashes the headlights with a baseball bat, and…keys her name right into the side of the car (if you watch the music video, she does carve “Carrie” very clearly). Wow. I don’t condone cheating, but this is not a good look.

To answer the final sentiment, “Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats,” the answer is no, he will be labeling you as his crazy ex. You also keyed your name into his car; he knows who did it, and he can call the police to have you arrested for vandalism. Furthermore, if he owns a nice enough car, the chances are good that he has decent car insurance. If he doesn’t end up getting a new car, he’ll just get a nice rental car while the busted one gets fixed. All will be right in his world. You, on the other hand, will be the basket case ex-girlfriend with a criminal record because you had to sacrifice your dignity to unleash your petty revenge. Next time, send a glitter bomb instead. At least those are anonymous.

4. JOLENE-Dolly Parton
Offending Lyrics:
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene,
I’m begging of you please don’t take my man.
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene,
Please don’t take him just because you can.
You could have your choice of men,
But I could never love again.
He’s the only one for me, Jolene.
I had to have this talk with you:
My happiness depends on you,
And whatever you decide to do, Jolene.

In this song, Dolly Parton is begging some hussy named Jolene not to take her man away from her. Dolly concedes that Jolene is by far the superior woman, and though Jolene could easily steal her man away, Dolly begs Jolene to find it in her heart not to do so.

What the hell? First of all, Jolene should not be the first person you confront in this instance. Woman, you need to have words with your husband first, and demand an explanation as to what’s going on, and why the hell he’s calling out the name of this tramp in bed. Why would you want to hold onto a husband who’s possibly cheating on you with a floozy? Then, either kick his sorry ass out or get some serious marriage counseling.

If you do want to confront Jolene, do not plead with her or flatter her about how fabulous she is. Issue a stern warning. Tell this homewrecker that she needs to quit fooling around with married men, and if she comes within a 50-foot range of the premises, the only welcome she’ll be getting is from your double barrel shotgun.

5. GRENADE-Bruno Mars
Offending Lyrics:
I’d catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I’d do anything for ya
I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won’t do the same.

Ok, Bruno Mars is singing about how he would commit suicide to win some girl’s affections. First of all, in what scenario would you have a grenade chucked at you in the middle of the United States? It may not be entirely out of the question, but why are you trying to catch the grenade? You should be actively trying to get yourself and the girl to safety away from the grenade. How is getting yourself blown up, and potentially taking a few bystanders with you, going to do any good? Furthermore, why would you feel that you have to jump in front of a train for this girl? Is she tied to the railroad tracks Penelope Pitstop style? If that’s the case, you should be trying to get her off the railroad tracks, not trying to halt a 200-ton train. Unless you’re the Incredible Hulk, you won’t be stopping that train. You will only succeed in killing yourself, the girl, and very likely, numerous people on board that train.

Also, you’re going on about how this girl doesn’t give a shit that you’d self-destruct for her. That’s not exactly a good sign, probably because it shows that she is far saner than you. Cool your hormones and move on. And for future reference, vows of suicide will not make you a chick magnet.