My older brother, Jonathan, told me one of his friends forcibly lent him the movie Dungeons and Dragons. It’s a notoriously awful movie, and when my brother pointed this out, his friend insisted that Jonathan take the DVD home with him to watch. I know the film is based on the game, which I only have limited familiarity. However, I am under the impression that most DnD game fans find this movie atrocious. Jonathan said that he didn’t want to watch it alone, and I said that I wouldn’t watch it sober. We reached a fair compromise.
Wow. Only two minutes into the movie and we already have an entire litany of narrative exposition. We haven’t even gotten past the opening credits yet. It’s just some narrator yapping about the politics and intricacies of this world. I can barely follow any of it, and neither am I in the least bit intrigued. Jonathan is bored already.
Well, we have our first dragon of the movie, probably one of the worst looking CGI dragon ever, even by late 90s-early 2000s standards.
Oh, and Jeremy Irons is in this film as an evil wizard (or, “mage” as they are called in this world) named Profion. Whose name sounds more like an anti-anxiety drug rather than the name of a malevolent antagonist. And he is definitely bringing his maximum game to this role. Just check out this opening clip:
I think I just became far more acquainted with Jeremy Irons’ O face than I ever thought I would be.
Jeremy Irons’s henchman has blue lips. Who in the makeup department thought this was a good idea? He looks like he has toothpaste smeared on his mouth.
Or maybe he’s just wearing lipstick for men. Case in point:
The movie has just introduced our protagonists. I am entirely convinced that they are medieval peasants and not 90s reject kid actors.
Is that Marlon Wayans? And what kind of a character name is “Snails?” How did he get that name? And the movie doesn’t indicate that he’s any other species other than an average human.
At first, I thought that Jeremy Irons was either hard-pressed for work in 2000 or was under strict contractual obligation to appear in this film. Now, I’m beginning to believe that Irons knew how crappy this script was and just decided to go all out with his performance.
If Jeremy Irons is overacting, then Thora Birch is definitely underacting. She’s not even pretending she’s invested in this movie. I keep wondering if someone’s holding her hostage. Most likely the production company. This is not the face of someone who is happy about their role, especially when contrasted with Jeremy Irons.
I don’t know why everyone in this movie feels they need to expose Jeremy Irons’s character as the bad guy. He pretty much acts consistently the same regardless of the present company, and he’s not doing a great job masking his malintent. No one in this kingdom should be surprised that this is the bad guy.
I am uninvested in these protagonists. I keep thinking they’ve been dumped into this world from a 90s Nickelodeon sitcom. They’re like Bill and Ted, but without the charm and the elaborate vocabulary.
Jeremy Irons is mad at Blue Lip, and I can’t tell yet if he’s going to murder him or curse him.
Oh…oh, dear. No…no, no this doesn’t look right at all.
I’m just uncomfortable now.
For the love of God, please make it stop.
I almost feel a smidge sorry for Blue Lip. Almost. He gets maybe about 8% percent of my pity.
And now the heroes have teamed up with a random dwarf. He’s like a bad parody of Gimli from Lord of the Rings. I can’t figure out what purpose he serves.
Jeremy Irons is the only entertaining character in this entire movie. Every scene he’s absent from is dull. I would have fallen asleep a long time ago if it weren’t for him. The heroes are going through a series of trials and dungeon diving, but none of it is especially impressive or memorable.
You would think a scene that looks like this would be far more exciting and engaging. It is not. I’ve almost stopped paying attention at this point.
Snails (Marlon Wayans) is dead after being stabbed by Blue Lip. I know I’m supposed to feel more emotional and sorry about this, but I’m just waiting for the scene to switch back to the crazy wizard.
Darn, Jeremy Irons just got eaten by a dragon. Unfortunate way to go. I will miss him and his malevolent cackle.
The film ends with the promise that Snails is going to be brought back to life. Couldn’t we bring back Jeremy Irons instead?
So, that was Dungeons and Dragons. In conclusion, it was a poorly written film with massive plot holes. The dialogue was awkward and cringe-worthy with equally awful delivery. I didn’t care a whit about any of the so-called heroes. They bored me every time they were on screen. Honestly, if anyone out there is a fan of the Dungeons and Dragons game, you should be offended at how dreadfully made and executed this film was.
Jeremy Irons, you were the only character to bring me any delight, and you apparently had a great time with this role. You were the only thing keeping me awake while watching this film.
Fake Gimli, I still don’t know why you were in this movie. I don’t even know what your real name is, and I don’t care enough to find out. You contributed nothing.
And remember everyone, if you suffer from anxiety, nervousness, restlessness, and intense sweating, talk to your doctor about Profion! Side effects may include, evil cackling, painfully dramatic speeches, and an overpowering urge to take over the world with dragons.
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